I’m dying louder than usual today.
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.