WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
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If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Yup.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.