There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
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NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.