luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
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How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
turning my gender off to conserve energy
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?