Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”