I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
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Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?