Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.