People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.