I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
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GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this