[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
🙂🙃🥹
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
*orders delivery*
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Had an epiphany today.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices