My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
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You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Succinctly put.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.