I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
So the ex texted me
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win