It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
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If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.