Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
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Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
This week’s mood.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point