*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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Previously On Persistence 😎
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage