A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
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Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.