Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
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You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
RT if you know someone like this!!!
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me :
All Day At Night
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell