*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.