I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
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Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?