DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.