My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
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Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.