It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”