Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
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didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.