Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything