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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”