How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
How your email finds me
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online