Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.