Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
You Might Also Like
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
my first day as a raccoon
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.