*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
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I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.