*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
*pronounces patio like ratio