Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.