[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.