*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
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This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
A dead goose is called a ghoost