Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
dogs can find happiness so easily
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Any refunds available?…
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately