ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
You Might Also Like
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Just why bro?!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
first you must answer his riddles
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?