Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
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mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Finally! 😈
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.