Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
#Caturday
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
ibopfufen
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”