Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
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The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.