I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt