My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
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At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.