Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
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I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now