When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
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I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
termite twitter scares me
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough