You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust