I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Cheer up.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts