May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
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I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off