My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.