*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids