*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
“you recording!?”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”