18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
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I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?