I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Intelligence is the new cleavage
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
#catsoftwitter
my dad when a sex scene comes on
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
me and the Superbowl rn